Chapter III

            I didn’t know whether I was relieved, disappointed, or excited. Or maybe it was all of those things.

“Landon… thank you… Wow…”

“You like it, right?” Landon stared at me, seemingly trying to read my expression and understandably so.

“Of course I do dear! Yes!” I took the white envelope from his hands and slipped the two tickets out that read “Bonnaroo.”

“You seem… confused?” Landon looked at me questionably.

“No, I- I was just not expecting this.” I looked up at him. “Not that it’s bad!”

“Was there something you were expecting?” Landon asked.  I looked down at the tickets. “I mean… fancy dinner, saying you have a surprise, being together for a year… I just thought-“ Landon stared at me for a few seconds before I saw the light go on.

“Oh my gosh. Lyla… wow. I did not mean to lead you on like that. Look, I didn’t even think- I’m really sorry.”

“No it’s okay! Really! I’m actually pretty relieved.”

“Oh, good.” Landon seemed to relax but only for a second. “Wait… relieved? Why? Why would you be relieved?”

“No, Landon, that’s not what I meant I swear.”

“Okay, so what did you mean then Lyla?” My eyes darted around. My mind raced trying to find some way to justify my response. “I love you Landon. I really do. I just don’t know if I’m ready for… marriage yet.”

“Have you two decided what you would like to eat yet?” The nicely dressed waiter seemed to appear out of nowhere.

“Oh, I think we need a few more minutes,” I stated as Landon and I picked up our menus. The waiter nodded and walked away.

Landon set his menu down as quickly as he picked it up. “Lyla, please tell me what you’re thinking. I thought marriage was something you wanted!”

“Please Landon, can we not do this right now? Let’s talk about it later.” Landon appeared defeated. “Landon,” I reached across the table for his hand. “I love you. I love your gift. I absolutely love it. Seriously. Thank you so much my sweet, kind, wonderful boyfriend. Now let’s enjoy our nice dinner, okay?” Landon looked up and smiled at me. “Okay my sweet, kind, wonderful girlfriend.” I squeezed his hand before letting go to hold my menu. 

vvv

            Sunday night bible study was always my favorite time of the week. There’s something about getting together with others to discuss the most important book and most important man in the world. What could be more fulfilling and purposeful than that? It was also a time I was able to get together with some of my favorite people; my sister Lavonne, her husband David, Landon, Jasmine, and my brother Luke. I also loved Allison, our group leader. Her theological and authentic approach was what really drew me in. She also had a way with prophecy, which many people have ridiculed her for. I truly admired her gift and often wished God had granted me the gift of prophecy, but maybe that’s just because I thought it was cool. What kind of reason is that?

            As we sat in the cozy church prayer room immersed in a deep conversation about Romans 14, my mind wandered. I thought about marriage and commitment and if I would ever be able to do it. My eyes were also drawn to the newest member of our young adult study group, Aiden, whom we were introduced to earlier. Easthaven was a small town but I didn’t recognize him. I wondered about his story. How he found this church and why he joined our study group.

“What do you think Lyla?” I looked around to see Allison and the rest of the group staring at me, waiting for a response.

“Oh, uh, sorry. What was the question?” I stammered.

“She saaaiiddd… what should you do if you knew a brother or sister was doing wrong?” My brother Luke reported in a rather overdramatized manner. I knew he was just trying to be funny as always.

“Thanks Luke,” I sarcastically smirked. “Well, first of all… don’t judge them. That is not our job. Our job is to love and show mercy and compassion.” I looked up at Allison to see her nodding. I continued, “And I guess it depends on your level of friendship with the person. You have to have a stable foundation with them before you start calling them out on things.” I stared down at my notebook as I spoke.

“Yeah, I agree,” David affirmed. I was glad my thoughts were interrupted for this discussion.  It was something I felt very passionately about. Landon looked at me and lovingly placed his arm around my waist. I smiled and put my arm around him in return. “Also,” Aiden resumed, “don’t you think some people in the church act as Pharisees of our day?” I noticed Allison eye him questionably. “You know, Pharisees were all about rules and sticking to the law, when Jesus was all about love and mercy. He didn’t judge sinners. He ate with them. He loved them. He showed them compassion and mercy. Lately I feel like the church is full of people saying things like ‘oh, that person can’t be a Christian because they drink alcohol or listen to a certain kind of music.’ Like she said,” he motioned towards me, “that is not our job. Our job is to love.” The group nodded in agreement. Allison smiled at him. “Exactly. You’re right.” She nodded and continued to lead the discussion as the group listened intently. I tried to focus on the rest of the conversation but something about Aiden and his words distracted me. They made me think. Why was I so easily distracted?

            “I like what you said about the church being Pharisees of our day.” I stated awkwardly after saying my goodbyes to the group as they left the room. Aiden and I were left behind packing up the rest of our stuff.

“Oh, thanks.” Aiden looked up and smiled crookedly. “It was just something that’s been on my mind lately. It was cool that we talked about it today.” He continued to gather his belongings. “I liked what you said too, about not calling people out on things and stuff.” I didn’t even know Aiden but something about his demeanor radiated kindness and understanding. His eyes were a soft brown with hair to match. I wanted to continue the conversation, but my mind went blank. It always seemed to be so busy, running with questions and ideas, until someone was standing in front of me.

“You are… Layla?”

“Lyla,” I corrected.

“Oh, right. Sorry. Lyla.”

“It’s all good.” I got up to leave the room, not knowing what else to say. I noticed Aiden watching me from the corner of my eye. “Well, nice to meet you. Maybe I’ll see you next week,” I stated, not making eye contact though I knew Aiden was looking at me.

“Yeah, I’ll be here.” I looked over at him, smiled, then exited the room. I saw Jasmine walking in front of me on the way to the café.

“Jasmine!” She turned around as I scurried to catch up with her. “I think I’m going to get some coffee.” Jasmine looked at her watch. “At 7:42 in the evening?” I shrugged. “Why not?” Jasmine raised her eyebrows before rushing across the street to the coral colored building. “Whatever you say. There’s still about an hour before we close.”

We walked into the café and I headed for the counter to order a medium roast coffee from Maddie, a high school student who had just recently got a job as a barista. Jasmine walked around the counter and began cleaning and organizing.

“Have you ever seen that Aiden kid around before?”

“Nope.” Jasmine replied while wiping the counter.

“He seemed like a nice dude.”

“Yep.” Jasmine remained concentrated on cleaning.

“Here you go Lyla.” Maddie handed me a warm mug of coffee to go along with her warm smile.

“Thanks Maddie.” I took the coffee and decided to sit at the lone table in the corner. I slipped my phone out of my pocket and browsed various unproductive apps for a while before I heard footsteps approaching.

“Hey Lyla,” Jasmine sat in the seat across from me. “Do you see that guy over there?” I followed the direction of her finger to see a young man with jet-black hair and tattoos on his arms and right leg. He seemed mesmerized by the book he was reading. “Yeah, what about him?” I inquired.

“Well, he’s been in here every night for a week. Sitting in that same spot. Reading that same book.”

“So?” I took a sip of my coffee.

“He’s reading Mere Christianity.” Jasmine looked at me seriously. “He puts it back on the bookshelf every night before he leaves.”

“Hm.” I stared at the man and couldn’t help but wonder if there were some things he was questioning. Maybe he’s having a hard time. Maybe he needs a friend. Maybe I should talk to him. Nah. I’m way too exhausted right now. I truly was. The last thing I wanted to do was strike up a conversation with a stranger. Sitting in my own corner with my coffee and my phone sounded heavenly. “I don’t know, Jasmine.” I shrugged and took another sip of my coffee before I began browsing my phone again, signally to Jasmine I wanted to be alone. Jasmine turned to stand up. “I’m just curious about him, that’s all.” I assumed she got the hint because at that point she left and went back to her cleaning. I set my phone down and looked back at the man with the jet-black hair and couldn’t help but feel more and more curious myself. People came alone to the café to read all the time but there was something about his look and his demeanor that made me want to know his story and to have a conversation with him. A conversation about life, spirituality, anything. But for now all I could muster up the energy to do was to have imaginary conversations in my head. I was too exhausted for real conversation and with that thought I was off to my apartment to curl up in bed.

Chapter II

I loved Easthaven. It was my ideal home. A small, relaxed beach town full of kind, suntanned people and the smell of sunscreen. How could you ask for anything more?  I breathed in the fresh ocean air as I walked through Sunset Palm Park, one of my favorite places to go when I wanted to get my fill of nature. It was a decent sized park complete with a picnic area and a nature trail through the seaside brush. My favorite spot was a bench on the trail where I could see the ocean through the trees. Sometimes I would sit there for hours just praying and thinking. It seemed nature was always there to refresh my spirit when I needed to get away. I could easily see and feel God in it. Nature made me think often about the vast and ineffable creativity of God. He didn’t have to make millions and millions of types of plants and animals, but he did. He didn’t have to give us an eye for beauty and art nature, but he did. He didn’t have to give us a sense of smell, but he did. Why? Maybe He wants to give us joy and beauty because of His immense love for us. Maybe he wants us to get a microscopic glimpse into his incomprehensible nature- full of beauty, love, and mystery. Maybe He wanted nature to be a metaphor somehow.  

Buzz buzz. My phone interrupted my thoughts. I slipped it out of my pocket.

Landon King: I can’t wait until tonight! Pick you up at 6?

“Yep! I can’t wait either!” I texted back. I wasn’t really in the mood to be excited but thankfully texting made it easy to seem like I was. My phone bringing me back into reality, I decided to head back home and relax. It was a long day of therapy sessions and it was Thursday, which meant I led a music therapy group with the homeless population around the area. I loved it but it sure was draining work. Buzz buzz. I picked up my phone again.

Landon King: I have a surprise for you tonight. You will die of happiness. ;)

I furrowed my brows and started at my phone, straining my mind to think of anything my surprise could possibly be. “He wouldn’t ask me to marry him… no way. It’s only been a year… wait… a whole year?? Maybe he will ask me… oh, no. No, no, no. I am not ready for this not at all.” I suddenly went from confusion to complete terror. I was not ready to get married. My thoughts continued to race as I walked back through town towards my apartment. My mind immediately went to my sister Lavonne, as it does when anything at all happens to me. I shot her a text.

“Lavonne… Landon said he has a surprise for me tonight and that I will die of happiness. What the heck does that mean??”

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and my thoughts continued to race as I walked. “I love Landon. I love him with all of my heart, but is he the one? The one I want to spend the rest of my life with? That kind of commitment scares me. What if there is someone better out there for me… There I go again with my stupid idealistic self. Nothing well ever be good enough for me will it? I’m just a stupid, no good-” Before my negative thoughts could spiral down the rabbit hole, I arrived at the café. Seeing Jasmine and entering the cozy atmosphere almost immediately calmed my nerves. Oh how quickly my emotions swayed back and forth. How easily the environment effected me.

“Lyla!” Jasmines face lit up and she quickly left her spot behind the counter and began to head towards me. “How was your new patient? How did it go this morning?”

“Oh it was great! Jasmine, I really think this is going to be good for her. Really, I’m so excited.”

“Ah I’m so glad!” She smiled radiantly. Jasmine has always been so supportive. I hoped she knew how much I appreciated it.

“Jasmine. Can we talk about something?”

“Sure,” she stated while sitting down at a nearby table next to a bookshelf full of old used books. I opened up my texts from Landon and handed over my phone to Jasmine. She took the phone and read the messages.

“What? What about it?”

“Jasmine… Do you think he’s going to…”

“Propose?” Jasmines face suddenly lit up.

“Yeah…”

“Oh my goodness! Lyla! That’s so-“

“Shhh! I don’t think I-“ Jasmine noticed my worried expression.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I’m not ready.” I looked down at the table. “I’m not ready for that!”

Jasmines face shifted from excited to serious in a matter of milliseconds. “Why?”

“I just… I’m so confused. What if he’s not the one?”

“Don’t be silly. You guys are perfect for each other! Can’t you see that? You’re absolutely head over heels in love with this guy! It’s been a whole year, and you’re both still absolutely head over heels in love! Come on!” Jasmine placed her hand on my arm as she spoke.

“Yeah, yeah you’re right. I’m just getting cold feet. I do love him… I really do.”

“I know you do.” Jasmine smiled at me. “Why do you think you’re not ready?”

“I think I’m just too idealistic. I’m trying to be more rational.”

“I do not understand you sometimes Lyla,” Jasmine chuckled. I laughed and added “I don’t understand me either.”

“Well, you’re the only one who has the final say, but I really think you guys are perfect. Landon is a wonderful Christian man. I can see God shining through your relationship. Really. You know how you can get caught up in irrational thinking. I’m trying to put you back in your place!”

“I know, thanks. Maybe you’re right.” I smiled at Jasmine.

“Of course I am,” Jasmine laughed. “Tell me how it goes tonight, alright?” Jasmine got up and encouragingly touched my shoulder. “I need to get back to work, but I’m so excited for you!” She left to help out with serving the few customers waiting to order their coffee. Jasmines demeanor was contagious and I began to feel more and more excited about that evening. “Jasmine is right. I’m just making things up in my head.” Buzz Buzz.

Lavonne Porte: Well… It has been a year, Lyla. What do you think??

vvv

            “Riiinnngggg!” The doorbell rang and I put on my last touch of makeup before grabbing my purse and saying goodbye to Jasmine.

“Good luck!” Jasmine said in a sing-songy voice as I walked out the door. “Thanks!” I echoed back. I shut the door, ran down the steps and opened the door. There to greet me was a handsome smiling face.

“Hi sweetheart.” Landon smiled and pecked me on me cheek. “You look beautiful!”

“Thanks! I tried. Just for you.” Landon laughed. He offered his arm. “Shall we?” I smiled at him and took his arm.

“We shall.”

            “This isn’t Nomads!” I looked over to the drivers seat to see Landon’s smirking face as he pulled into a parking spot. “What are you- Aqua? This place is expensive!”

“Okay.” Landon replied, still smirking.

“What are you doing? What’s going on?”

“Nothing! I just wanted to mix it up a little. I can’t take my girlfriend out for a nice meal? Geez!”

“Okay then…” I said questionably. Landon looked over at me and rubbed my back. “You deserve a nice meal every once in a while!”

“Well, if you absolutely insist…” Landon laughed as I grabbed my purse and opened the door. We walked in to a view of a large wall aquarium and a nicely dressed greeter. After being seated and ordering our drinks, I noticed that Landon seemed restless.

“So… what are you going to get?” Landon asked me while scanning the menu. I eyed him for a few seconds before questioning him.

“Landon what is going on? You obviously have something to tell me.”

“I do?” He asked, still staring at the menu. I glared at him and he looked up. “Okay, okay.” Landon put his menu down. “Whatever, I was going to wait but I’m just so excited!” My heart skipped a beat. I swallowed. “Okay so this is real. He really does have something to tell me.” Landon smiled at me excitedly. “I know you’ve been wanting this for a long time… so for the most wonderful, beautiful girl in the world, I am making it happen. He reached into his pocket, obviously unable to contain his excitement. “He’s going to ask me… this is happening… I can’t believe this is happening…”

Chapter I

“Coffee, sunshine, and good music. This is the life,” I thought to myself as I sat at my kitchen table listening to Jose Gonzalez and sipping coffee. The open window allowed the March sun to warm my skin.

“Jose again Lyla?” Jasmine, my roommate and best friend since freshman year of college had emerged from her room wearing an oversized t-shirt and soffes. Her black hair was fixed into a long braid down her back.

“What can I say? I’m on a kick,” I stated as I picked up my coffee to take another sip. Jasmine smiled and walked over to the coffee maker to make her favorite hazelnut coffee.  “Did you see that Jose is playing at Bonnaroo?”

“Yes! Jasmine please, please, please go with me!”

“Lyla we talked about this! I would absolutely love to go but… I can’t afford that. And neither can you.”

“I know, I know.” I sighed.

“Let’s be responsible adults.”

“But I don’t want to be a responsible adult,” I pouted as I took another sip of my coffee.

 “Me neither. But we own businesses now, come on. We have no choice.” I admired Jasmines responsible and driven nature. Without her I would not have been able to open my own business at all. I don’t know what I would do without her in my life to guide me through logic and reason. If it were up to me my business would be in the dumps.

So what are you doing with Landon tonight?” Jasmine asked.

“Oh, probably just going to Nomads again.” It was Thursday night, Landon and I’s date night and Nomads was our favorite casual restaurant. “Why do I even ask?” Jasmine stated while grabbing a coffee mug from the cupboard. “He’s so predictable,” I laughed.

“I’m going to head downstairs. I have a new client today in an hour and I want to make sure I’m prepared.” I took the last sip of my coffee before heading to the sink.

“Oh yeah! I hope that goes well!” Jasmine stated, turning towards me. I’ll be down at the café in about twenty minutes.” I smiled at my encouraging friend. “Yeah, I hope it goes well too. The first session is always pretty nerve-wracking,” I said as I began gathering my stuff to head out the door. “Of course it is,” Jasmine stated. I smiled at her as I opened the door to leave. “You’ll be great!” I heard Jasmine shout just as the door closed behind her. I smiled again and walked swiftly down the steps, which led straight to a small area with two doors, one on each side. To the right was Sun and Moon Café, the coffee shop owned by Jasmine. I turned left and went through the door labeled “Wellspring: Music Lessons and Music Therapy Services” Which led to my music therapy and music lessons studio. “Thank you God, for helping me live my dream.” I promised myself I would thank God each time I walked into my studio.

My dream since college had always been to work for myself as a music therapist and run a lessons studio. Living upstairs with my best friend who owned the coffee shop next door was just a huge bonus. It was almost like God went above and beyond my dream and made it even better than I even possibly could have imagined. Why He, the creator of the universe would do that for me, I have no idea.

I walked into my office and sat at my desk. My office was a decent size, big enough to hold a patient and do a session. It was painted a beautiful rust color and contained a multitude of plants. I had two windows, which I loved because of how much the natural light brightened the room. Though I wasn’t into psychoanalysis, a framed Rorschach inkblot was hanging on the wall for effect. A guitar sat in the corner of the room and a filing cabinet full of song lyrics, guitar chords, and session plans sat next to it against the wall. I took out my new patients file from the bottom drawer of my desk and thumbed through the papers, trying to figure out the best way to assess the patient and build rapport. I noticed that the patient was referred to music therapy by her counselor because of her love for music and her timidity. I read on. “Kimberly Fern. Thirteen years old. Depression, Bulimia, history of Selective Mutism. Wow.” I felt my heart surge with sadness and compassion for the young girl. After I finished reading through her file, I placed it on my desk and began preparing my papers for the interview and assessment.

Knock knock knock. I heard a light knock on the open door to my office and swiveled in my chair. There I saw a young girl with a pixie cut wearing a “The Neighbourhood” t-shirt and standing next to a middle aged woman, probably her mother. I noticed the young girl had a birth mark in the shape of a deformed heart on her left jawline which for some reason I thought made her look rather beautiful. As soon as she noticed my glance, she took her hand and self-consciously rubbed her face.

            “Sorry, I guess we’re pretty early,” The older woman stated with a slight smile.

“No, no it’s perfectly fine! We can start early.” I replied, standing up to introduce myself. “I’m Ms. Lyla Stai. You can just call me Lyla.” I always preferred casual to professional.

“Tracy Fern. Kimberly’s mom,” The woman stated as she shook my hand. “And this is Kimberly.” Tracy looked down and smiled at her daughter. Kimberly smiled shyly, not making eye contact with me. I could immediately see myself in Kimberly. Her quiet disposition, her soft eyes through which her sensitive soul shined, and of course her t-shirt. “Hi Kimberly.” I smiled and offered my hand for a handshake. Kimberly reached out and took it. “It’s nice to meet you,” I said. “Come on into my humble abode!” I stopped at the door and motioned for Tracy and Kimberly to enter my office, trying to make them as comfortable as possible. “You can have a seat right on those two chairs,” I stated as I closed the door. I picked up my clipboard from my desk and sat in the chair facing the pair. “Now Kimberly, I have just a few basic questions to ask you both together, then I’ll ask your mother to leave and we’ll resume the rest of the session just the two of us. How does that sound?” Tracy replied, “sounds great,” and Kimberly simply nodded. “Before I start, how much do you know about music therapy?”

“Kimberly’s counselor briefly explained it to us, but that’s about it.”

“Great. Well basically I use music to reach therapeutic goals. It will be like a normal counseling session with a counselor but it’ll be more fun!” I winked at Kimberly and she smiled shyly. “So it’s really great for helping individuals express their feelings who may not be as verbal or comfortable expressing themselves just through talking. It might be easier to connect through the music.

“Wow, great. That sounds perfect for Kimberly!” Tracy placed her hand lovingly on Kimberly’s back. Kimberly continued looking downwards, but I could see a faint glimmer in her eye. I imagined all the thoughts that made themselves at home in that head. I knew there were many.

I went through the questions on my clipboard, jotting down a few notes here and there. They were both compliant throughout, though Kimberly was very quiet and Tracy spoke mostly for her daughter. After the first half of the session was over, it was time for me to speak to Kimberly alone.

“So Kimberly. I understand you have been diagnosed with depression and bulimia, as we talked about.” Kimberly nodded shyly. “I want to ask you how comfortable you feel talking to your mother about all of this?”

“I don’t know. Well, she… knows I’m sad. She knows I have depression.” Kimberly’s eyes darted everywhere in the room but my eyes. “She knows I have bulimia too.”

“How much do you talk to her about it though?

“Not much I guess. I think she doesn’t understand. I think she just thinks I’m sad.”

“Are you?”

Kimberly nodded.

“Is it sadness, or is it emptiness? Or maybe both?”

Kimberly looked into the distance. I could see something I said reached into her.

“Both, I guess.” She looked down at her wrists to play with her bracelets. “A nervous habit,” I noted.

“Okay. I’m going to just ask you a little bit about your favorite music and activities and things like that, alright?” Kimberly nodded. I went through my initial music therapy assessment and Kimberly responded well, though particularly well, I noticed, to questions about her favorite music. She was involved in choir at school and took piano lessons, which also made her light up when she spoke of it. I became increasingly excited to work with Kimberly the more I spoke with her. I knew I just couldn’t fail her and I knew she would enjoy our sessions together. She was exactly the type of patient I loved to do my therapy with because there was something about her that made me feel like I was looking in a mirror.